


The Bodyguard

by igrockspock



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, F/M, Snark, Snarky Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-25 01:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3790933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igrockspock/pseuds/igrockspock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pepper needs a bodyguard, and Tony has the flu, so Clint reluctantly volunteers.  Tony is not amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bodyguard

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AlphaFlyer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaFlyer/gifts).



"I can be your bodyguard, Pepper," Tony said. He made a feeble attempt to get off the couch that dissolved into a fit of coughing and sneezing.

Pepper looked at him doubtfully. "Your pet Kleenex box and your blankie say otherwise."

" _Hey_." Tony looked wounded. "Just because this _blanket_ happens to feature Chewbacca doesn't make it a _blankie_."

Clint snickered. He was sprawled on love seat on the other side of the room, apparently uncowed by the threat of contagion. "I'm not judging you for Chewbacca, man. But if you've had it clutched around your shoulders for eight hours, it's definitely a blankie." He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sure Pepper can get another bodyguard for the fundraiser."

Pepper smiled. "Thank you so much for offering, Clint."

Both men blinked. " _What?_ " they said in unison.

"Clint, you know that Ten Rings has been active in New York. I can't trust this mission to regular SI security. Tony, you know the president of South Korea is attending this fundraiser. If we want to build a tower in Seoul, I have to talk to her."

"Take Happy," Tony said.

"Or Maria," Clint suggested.

Pepper crossed her arms over her chest. "Neither Maria nor Happy are working tonight. I insisted they take a Saturday off. In fact, I believe Happy has a date."

"With who?" Tony asked, fishing his phone out of the crevice between couch cushions. "I'll call him."

"With _whom_ ," Pepper said mildly. She tugged the phone out of Tony's hands, which didn't require much effort in his weakened state. "And I forbid you to call him in."

"Do I have to wear a tuxedo to this? And eat tiny gluten-free appetizers off of toothpicks?" Clint asked, sounding rather like a peevish toddler.

Pepper sighed. "Yes, you have to wear a tuxedo. Heads of state will be there. Natasha assured me you clean up nicely. And yes, you may have to eat small appetizers, but I am certain they will contain adequate gluten."

Natasha strolled into the living room. "Come on, Clint. You can handle a tux. I promised Pepper."

Clint sprawled backward onto the loveseat, splaying his arms and legs like a starfish refusing to be pried from a rock. "You're the one who likes to dress up. _You_ be the bodyguard."

"Remember how the president of Macedonia said he'd shoot me on sight?" Natasha said. She looked almost fond. "He's going to be there, and while I don't think he could actually kill me..."

"...It might spoil my delicate corporate negotiations," Pepper finished.

"And if you spend another night playing video games, your ass is going to be grafted to the couch," Natasha said, tugging on Clint's hand. "Come on. This is our friend. She needs to be safe. Take care of her."

Clint rolled his eyes, but he allowed himself to be pried from his seat. "I can't win against your combined forces. If you need me, Pepper, I'm in."

"Thank you, Clint," Pepper said. She turned to leave, but suddenly Tony stood up, swaying on his feet.

"Are you seriously saying I can't protect you?" he asked, looking wounded.

"Do I have to dignify that with a response?" Pepper asked. She checked her watch. She should be starting "hair and makeup by now.

"Dude, seriously?" Clint asked. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Two, asshole," Tony snapped. "And just because I gave up the suit doesn't mean I can't protect my girlfriend."

"You know what?" Clint said placatingly. "I'm sure you can protect your girlfriend. But tonight, I can protect her better."

"The hell you can," Tony said, taking a step toward Clint. Clint took a step toward Tony. Natasha looked at Pepper and shook her head.

"Did we rewind to five years ago? I thought I had taught you better behavior than this," Pepper said, glaring at Tony. Tony didn't acknowledge her, and Pepper sighed. "Keep an eye on them, Natasha. I'm going to get a ruler."

Tony blinked. "A ruler? What the fuck?"

"Obviously, we can settle this only by measuring your penises. I trust you'll have them ready when I return. Just to clarify, my love, affection, and -- most importantly, I'm sure -- my body will be awarded to whoever has the larger dick." She shot Tony a dangerous look. "Note that I said who _has_ the bigger dick, not who _is_ the bigger dick."

Clint grinned. "Are we talking length or girth here?"

"I can beat you on both counts, big guy," Tony snarled -- or tried to, anyway. The effect was spoiled somewhat by the sneeze at the end.

Natasha stepped between them. "Boys, we are not actually doing this," she said firmly. "Don't get your penis out, Clint."

She looked at Pepper. "Go upstairs and get ready, Pepper. I'll have this resolved by the time you're done."

***

When Pepper came downstairs an hour later, Tony was snoring on the couch and Clint was fidgeting in his tuxedo. Neither man appeared to be cut, bruised, or otherwise injured, which Pepper considered a welcome surprise.

"How did you do this, Natasha?" Pepper asked, looking back and forth between Tony and Clint.

"I promised Tony that the next time I come face to face with the president of Macedonia, he could be my bodyguard." Clint frowned, and Natasha smirked. "And then I gave him something that I said would help him stay awake."

"What was it really?" Pepper asked.

Natasha snorted. "Nyquil."


End file.
